Humor

You can only be young once, but you can always be immature. ~ Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' ~ Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. ~ Dave Barry

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. ~ Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.  ~ Dave Barry Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ~ Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. ~ Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. 
~ Dave Barry

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope ... to laugh at life's realities. ~ 
Dr. Seuss

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
 ~ Calvin Trillin

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, "My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!”  ~ Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.  ~ Dave Barry

People insist on being addressed as “doctor” because they have Ph.D.’s, as if these degrees represent an important achievement, rather than a reluctance to leave college. ~ Dave Barry

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago. ~ George Carlin

Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat, lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you don't have a plan. ~ Larry Winget

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. ~ Pablo Picasso

Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it. ~ Shakti Gawain

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. ~ Shari R. Barr

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women. ~ Groucho Marx

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. ~ Adlai E. Stevenson II

If there are no stupid questions, than what kind of questions do stupid people ask? ~ Scott Adams

I'm not just a tree hugger, I kiss them too. ~ Bumper Sticker in Flagstaff

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. ~ Marcel Pagnol

A closed mouth gathers no feet. ~ American Proverb

Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. ~ G.M. Weilacher

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~ Mary C. Crowley

It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious. ~Kin Hubbard

We learn geology the morning after the earthquake. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. ~G.B. Shaw

Few great men could pass personnel. ~Paul Goodman

'Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good cause, and obstinacy in a bad one. ~Laurence Sterne

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. ~Howard W. Newton

There's a mighty big difference between good, sound reasons and reasons that sound good. ~Burton Hillis

I would rather have men ask why I have no statue than why I have one. ~Marcus Porcius Cato

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Fame - the aggregate of all the misunderstandings that collect around a new name. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. ~John Barrymore

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." ~Dave Barry

Oh, one world at a time! ~Henry David Thoreau, when asked about afterlife

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. ~Herbert Hoover, attributed

What a pity that the only way to heaven is in a hearse. ~Stanislaw J. Lec

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~Richard Whately

A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen. ~Emily Lotney

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine Aird

It is not how busy you are, but why you are busy - the bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted.

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. ~J.D. Salinger

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

God and the devil lose to a common enemy: inertia. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it. ~Mignon McLaughlin

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. ~A.A. Milne

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. ~Patrick Toche

A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they're loaded or not. ~Franklin P. Jones

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. ~Winston Churchill

The neurotic usually obeys his own Golden Rule: Hate thy neighbor as thyself. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Neurotics are always looking for something new to overdo. ~Mignon McLaughlin

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~Mark Twain


An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied. ~Arnold Glasow

The thing we learn from history is that we never learn from history ~ Alan Watts

What we call progress is the exchange for one nuisance for another. -- Havelock Ellis

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. ~ Oscar Wilde

Only the mediocre are always at their best. ~ Jean Giradoux

I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores. ~ Moliere

To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries. ~ Aldous Huxley

Life is too important to be taken seriously. ~ Oscar Wilde

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

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